The fictional profile.

Mattias Lincoln is the president of the University Law Students Society. He has a lucky top hat and has been known to carry a cane. Although people see him as one of the highest achievers in the faculty of law, he assures me that he is secretly a bit of an underachiever who would rather watch ABC’s newest legal drama “Crownies”, than actually do any of his readings.

“I thought that having scraped into law with the minimum UAI, it would all be a breeze. Then I failed contract law in my first session at university.”

Having grown up in Wollongong, attending local schools, the University of Wollongong seemed like an obvious choice once the decision to continue studying had been made. “That and the fact that the UAI for law, was lower than anywhere in Sydney.” He says.

“My parents desperately wanted me to go into teaching or do an apprenticeship. Possibly one of the motivating factors for me to finish my law degree, is that they didn’t think I could do it.”

“I have always idolised Denny Crane from Boston Legal. People told me that was a stupid reason to study law, but I maintain it was an appropriate and well thought out reason.”

He also didn’t want to be stuck doing anything physical. Although enjoying the occasional run, he admits that physical activity really isn’t his thing, and that the only physical activities he enjoys, are the ones that he gets to cum at the end of. He agrees that maintaining a balance is important but argues that it can be easily achieved with minimal physical exertion.

Since becoming president of the LSS, and entering his third year at university, Mattias has fine tuned the art of being a student. He spends a proportionate amount of time studying, socialising, travelling and getting drunk. He has tried moving out of home, decided he didn’t like it, and moved back. He has also developed a voraciously healthy interest in reading for leisure and admits that if he isn’t watching legal dramas, he’ll be reading one.

When asked about his family, he jokingly says there is a strong possibility he is adopted. Although his family are kind and supportive and his mum makes a mean pumpkin soup, Mattias feels he bares no resemblance to them personality wise.

“My sister is an interesting character. She wants to be a bird when she grows up and she enjoys repeating everything I say. It’s unacceptable, even if she is only 5.”

His biggest achievement so far is passing property law, although he says that becoming president of the LSS goes close to being number one. Mattias only has two more years until he graduates and he plans to be a judge by the time he is 30. He wants to fight crime, in an air conditioned office, a suit, and while sipping on a large skinny flat white with 1 sugar.

His advice to new students is worth taking on board. He says “In the paraphrased and slightly inaccurate words of the great Spock “Stumble forth and try to prosper.”

Just because.

So our professor told us quite some time ago that to establish ourselves as writers we must write every day. I have failed in this task. Dismally. I am however, as I think of it, with a little procrastinating time on my hands, and with everything too noisy to try and get real work done, going to write something. 

I wanted to get something off my chest. It's the fact that I don't have a couch. I mean seriously, what a ridiculous thing to be wanting. In my room currently, I have a single bed, a desk, a chest of drawers and a cupboard. Sort of. More like a small box. What I crave though, is a couch. It is one of my motivations for wanting to move out of dorms in the nearish future. I want a couch that: I can curl up on in winter with a blanket and a good book, I can fall asleep on watching TV at 8pm, I can entertain guests on, I can flip through magazines with a glass of wine on. It just seems like a cultural necessity to own one. When I go home, I do all of these things. My favourite is falling asleep on a saturday night, after some thai take away and wine, watching Breakfast at Tiffany's. Yes. I need a couch. It's an investment I feel is very necessary for my well being. Im sick of my yoga mat covered in pillows. It just isn't the same. 

Heartbeat with improper punctuation.

A fear so deep it shakes you to the core, picking at heartstrings like a vulture picks at flesh.
Darkness leaking through a window, mopped up by sporadic light, fading in and out.
Sickness poisons your blood, fresh and red, essence of your life, and it's dying
You never know what to expect, you just want it all to be okay.
All you taste is vomit, and all you can hear is static energy coming from nowhere.
You crumble to the ground and go pale. No sign of a conscious thought. All you can see is the clouds as you wonder why it's all vanishing.
A heartbeat with improper punctuation, thats all it has to be.

The Milk Fridge.

"There's no use crying over spilt milk". Thats what they used to tell me. Until I spilt it. 

Careless, off limits, why, avoided, follow protocols, cost. These are just a few of the common phrases you might hear once you actually actually spill the milk. Or spoil it... as the case may be. 

It was a dark and stormy night... at least I am pretty sure it was, my mood was dark and stormy, which is really all I can remember. I had just returned from a long weekend in my second home on the north coast, where I saw my elderly relatives for what may well have been the last time. I said goodbye to my family at home, knowing I wouldn't see them for weeks. I was in a terrible mood. I sat in a meeting the second I got back for over an hour, at which point, on the edge of a nervous breakdown and feeling distinctly like I was about to pass out... I was asked to retrieve a dinner. And thats when I left the fridge open. 

I stood there and thought, you know what, how can I best fuck up everyone at this place... what would cause the most inconvenience possible... I know! I'll deprive them of their cereal in the morning. 

No not really. I thought I had shut it and I walked out, and didn't hear anything more until the next morning, when, at 7 am, the second I walked into breakfast, I was bombarded with questions of my whereabouts the night before (which are often hazy at the best of times, though that night I remembered because I had been watching sex and the city in bed until 3 am), the whereabouts of everyone else in this place, and made to feel like the earth had been shattered as a result of my careless actions. I had been awake for approximately 2 minutes... so as you might imagine... the best response I could give was to nod in what I hoped was an apologetic manner. 

Later that day, I was to receive a further 6 emails from various dignitaries of the residence. And a phone call, at which point I broke down in tears, and internally begged to be fired so I would never have to deal with anything this first world petty again. 

What I really can't stand about the whole situation is the triviality of it all, and despite knowing this whole issue was trivial, is that out of all the things I have been through this year, this was the one that set me off. It was the one that broke me. It was the cherry on the ruined cake of 2011. 

It saddens me to think that I have just written a whole blog... about breaking down... over a milk fridge.