Because I can't muster the energy to get up today.

"Fat Charlie was thirsty and his head hurt and his mouth tasted evil and his eyes were too tight in his head and all his teeth twinged and his stomach burned and his back was aching in a way that started around his knees and went up to his forehead and his brains had been removed and replaced with cotton balls and needles and pins which was why it hurt to try and think, and his eyes were not just too tight in his head but they must have rolled out in the night and been reattached with roofing nails; and now he noticed that anything louder than the gentle Brownian motion of air molecules drifting softly past each other was above his pain threshold. Also, he wished he were dead."- Neil Gaimen


That's a very accurate description of how I feel today.  The question is, was last night worth it? Ask me tomorrow. 

Take me back to the 1960s.

Autumn days, lazing

Listening to some Bob Dylan

Eyes closed, drinking, having a cigarette

Writing something life changing, realising who you are again

Realising it's not who you thought you were, puts a smile on your face

and you know that everything will be okay.

Writing.

Writing is something I used to do. I used to pick up a pen and I used to write and write until there was no more ink, nothing else left to say. I used to release the build up of emotion then build up more. I would let the pen dance across the page effortlessly, an expression of myself and of the love I had of writing. An overflow of my thoughts, the ones I couldn't keep inside anymore.

Playing the piano is something I used to do. I wasn't that great but the sound that the keys made at just the slightest touch made me so happy. I would sit there and listen to music in my head then realize all of a sudden that I was playing. I could feel the music on my fingertips and I could feel what the composers were feeling as they wrote.

Swimming is something I used to do. The water sliding over my body, my body slicing the water. Blowing bubbles, my hair flowing loosely. Opening my eyes underwater and seeing everything blurry and beautiful. I used to hate that I couldn't go any faster. I felt like a mermaid. I felt not real.

What happened to all these things? Where did they go?