So here is a rough draft of the first short story I have written in about 3 years. Inspired by my all time favourite childhood book, "Just Disgusting" by Andy Griffiths. It needs a work over, but overall, definitely the most feral thing I have ever written. Enjoy spewing your guts out at this one kiddies.
***
As a child, one of my favorite things to do
was pick my nose and eat it. Sometimes, when my nose was dry, I had to pick
other kids noses. I don’t ask why, I just had a thing for boogers.
Other favorable pastimes included pest control
by way of squashing cockroaches until their guts spilled all over the ground in
a yellow, pussy, mushy mound of roach, and bringing home maggots to keep as
pets. It’s not their fault that they need dead things to stay alive.
It was all fun and games as a child, but
pretty soon, my parents became fed up with my disgusting ways. “If I find one
more old sandwich in your school bag you will be sorry!” Yelled Mum one day,
after finding an old tuna sandwich in my school bag at the end of the summer
holidays. I paid her no attention, and
chuckled at my little prank all the way back to my room, ignoring the dry
retching noises she was making, and her cries of “unladylike” and “You’re an
animal.” Nonsense, I said to myself. I am hilarious.
That night as I slept soundlessly in my
bed, sugar plums gone rotten, dancing in my head, something was going wrong. I
woke up the next day and had a shower as normal. Brushed my teeth as normal. I
put on my clothes as normal. I was just moments away from walking out the door,
about to put my shoes on when I noticed my toenails. Normally, I keep my
toenails trimmed and painted, but something very strange indeed had happened
last night. You see, my toenails were the length of my toes themselves! I couldn’t even fit my shoes on my feet
anymore! They seemed to be growing by the minute. Long, yellowish nail with
little bits of dirt stuck underneath it. They were in fact so long, that they
were beginning to curl over.
I raced back upstairs and got into bed. Mum came up looking for me and I told
her I was too sick for school. She curved her mouth at me, not enough to be a
smile, but possible enough for a smirk and kept her brow unfurrowed . She surely
knew I couldn’t really have become too sick in the last five minutes, but luckily,
she let me stay in bed while she went off to work for the day. As soon as
everyone had left the house, I leapt out of bed as quickly as one can when one
has curling yellow toenails, and jumped onto google. I typed in “fast growing
toenails cure” and medicine.com came up with the solution I had been looking
for. “Cut them.” I quickly located mums
manicure set and hacked off the yellowing nails. My toes almost looked normal
for a moment… but then… surely not! They began to grow! Little by little, curl
by curl, my toenails continued to grow longer and longer.
I went back to google for more research.
That’s when I stumbled upon it. Disgustomania. A condition, according to
legend, that is a result of someone being so delighted by the idea of boogies
and other such squeamish pastimes, that their bodies began to evolve
accordingly. If left untreated, one would become so disgusting, that they were
banished from society and left to lead a lonesome life of disgust in the deep
forests, with the werewolves, vampires and cockroaches. Even as I was reading,
I could feel my nose beginning to snot. And not the ordinary sickly kind, but
the green lumpy boogie kind. I needed to get to a bathroom to blow my nose toot
suite or else there was going to be a green snot explosion!
I made it just in the nick of time, but I
knew after one blow that this wasn’t just going to go away. There was so much
snot, pouring out of my nose, and so many boogies, it was beginning to fill up
the toilet quicker than I could flush it! I needed something bigger. Like a
bath tub. I gave up using tissues and put my head over the tub, letting the
green goopy snot flow freely. I reached down with one hand to cut my toenails
again, which were now so long that I could hardly stand up, and used my other
hand to wipe the excess snot off my face. Even for me, this was too much.
I felt a wave of nausea, deep in my
stomach. I started to feel exceptionally hot. My face was screwed up in a
contorted mess and at that exact moment, my vomit reflex kicked into action and
I vomited all my half digested coco pops into the bathtub.
Whats worse than a bathtub full of curly
toenail clippings? A bath tub full of curly toenail clippings, that are getting
stuck in the green snot, which is being diluted by the coco pop vomit.
Thankfully, after what seemed like the biggest spew in the entire world, there
seemed to be a break in the bodily excretions. I took a deep breath, while
holding my nose, trying not to breath in the boogie and vomit fumes, and took a
look at myself in the mirror. Besides being a sickly green color there seemed
to be no visible change in my appearance, although my toenails were getting
long again.
There was however, a small pimple in the
centre of my forehead. I actually take great pleasure in squishing my pimples,
so this cheered me up immensely. I squeezed as hard as I could until the yellow
puss popped out. I wiped it off the mirror. Admittedly I do find other peoples
pimples pretty gross, but when it comes to my own, I see them as a fine form of
entertainment. I noticed however, that this was a particularly bad one. The
more I seemed to squish it, the more puss that seemed to be coming out of it.
It was yellow, but with a few little blood clots mixed in. “Oh no!” I thought.
Phase two of disgustomania.
I returned to my snotty, vomity, toe nail
filled tub and squeezed the rest of the puss out of my forehead. It left a
small cavity and I thought I could see my brain through it. I had more
important things to worry about though. Now I had a snotty, vomity, pussy toe
nail filled bath tub.
I sat next to the tub, trying to google the
cure for disgustomania, while I tried not to think about my puss filled pimple,
still oozing pussy blood clots into the tub. Strangly for me, the mere thought
of it was making my stomach have what felt like minor volcanic eruptions and I
began to get that clammy but not quite sweaty feeling one would associate with
an imminent spew.
The only answer I could find, to reverse
disgustomania, was to drink my own poison. I looked into the bathtub. I knew
what had to be done. The problem was
going to be keeping it down. I hobbled to the kitchen and retrived my most
favorite Disney mug and apologized profusely to Mickey Mouse for what I was
about to do. I kneeled on the tiles, next to my boogie green snotty, coco pop
vomit, blood clot pussy, toenail filled brew and scooped a cupful up. I held
the cups to my lips and immediately dry retched. Surely I was going to get some
kind of morbid disease if I so much as touched this mess. I knew I had to try again though. My life
depended on it.
One mouthful of my bodily excrement had me
vomiting all over again. I tried to avoid my tongue as I knew if I got a taste
of the pus I would have no chance of finishing it. Luckily the boogies tasted
good and I thanked my lucky stars that I had always had a thing for them. There
was a slight crunch with the toenails but they didn’t really taste like much.
Mouthful after mouthful, my face twisted itself into oblivion and I wondered
whether my facials would even be recognizable after this ordeal.
I finally managed to finish it. The whole
bathtub full. I noticed as I was drinking it, my toenails were shrinking back
towards their original size. My nose was drying up and my pus filled pimple
retreating. You could also no longer see my brain. I breathed deeply, and
rummaged through the bathroom to find some mouth wash.
From that moment forward, I knew I would
never pick another nose again.
